Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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