I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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