I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize