she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
