she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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