the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
