Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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