It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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