During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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