She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
