my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
