Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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