I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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