you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
