I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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