I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize
