u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
