But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
