Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
