apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
