She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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