it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
