life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
