you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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