i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
God I need to hump something, right now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
