the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
