I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
handjob tips. give me some.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
