Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We left the knife in your bed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
