When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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