Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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