i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
