WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
