it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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