i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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