I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I came so hard my ears popped.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
