I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
