Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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