I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
