Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
