no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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