Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
