who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
