you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
