Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
