If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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