I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
