i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
