Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
