the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
