god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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