forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
