Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
