So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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