at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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