dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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