dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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