could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
