i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
