sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
