remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I could make wine with my vomit
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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