you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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