The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
