you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
