I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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