32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
