new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
