Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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