dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
