the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
