she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
