evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
