he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
