i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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