Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
